There were so many children’s shows full of delight on UK tv made in the late 70s and early 80s that a complete list off the top of my head is impossible. Along with most of the rest of my generation, I must have had a hundred drunken conversations sharing the joys of Bagpuss, Morph, Trumpton, The Flumps, Chorlton and the Wheelies, Dangermouse and many other programmes that sprang from this amazingly creative time from my very early childhood. Everyone enjoys a bit of shared nostalgia.

I think it’s no coincidence that so many members of my generation grew up to normalise being a sci-fi fan as well. We didn’t just have old repeats of Star Trek; we had Doctor Who travelling all of Space and Time in his funky blue box and Chocky and The Tripods and Day of The Triffids. All very excellent homegrown gems and the jewel in this accessible kid-friendly UK sci-fi crown was my particular favourite Space 1999, a UK/Italy co-production. All of which I’ll definitely write about in the future because I’m actually enjoying myself for a change instead of writing tortured poems about the meaninglessness of existence. I’m not saying they’re not good poems, just sheeesh kebab, my brain needs a break from all that.

I watched a lot of telly growing up, clearly. But I also remember the early 80s as being full of riding bikes with all the kids in the street, making dens in the park and playing Pooh Sticks down by the river so I must have gotten my backside off the settee occasionally. Oh, it was never a couch in our house, it was always a settee if you please. With matching armchair and floral pouffe. Actually, I was usually sprawled on the floor with my face as near to the telly as I could get without a telling off. Even for the scary bits, no hiding behind the settee for me.

So, during this amazing creative time for UK tv back in the dim distant prehistoric land of 4 tv channels and no internet, there was also a huge amount of US programming filling the airwaves and some of it was just awesome and some of it was The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Diff’rent Strokes. That was probably when I went outside to ride my bike and play Pooh Sticks. Among the extremely awesome I count: Battlestar Galactica (if it’s not Lorne Greene and Dirk Benedict then jog on, it doesn’t count), Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Knots Landing, Little House on The Prairie, Wonder Woman and my absolute favourite, The Incredible Hulk. I’m aware that’s an eclectic mix; so are my tastes in films, books and music so if you’re a hardcore intellectual and popular culture snob, this is not the blog for you.

Although The Incredible Hulk was first aired in the US in 1978, I think I must have been about 6 when I first saw it. And from the very first second of the opening titles I bolted upright and was completely entranced.  The first thing you see in the opening titles is a bright red sign flashing DANGER overlaid with increasingly staccato high-pitched piano music and an ominous exposition voiceover full of gravitas and urgency from the deep bass tones of Ted Cassidy. The opening intro perfectly weaves together exposition and clips from the pilot with that haunting piano melody (of which more later) arranged into a dramatic and imposing theme tune.

Every scene chosen from the pilot is so perfectly selected to form part of this introduction that viewers could join the series at any point for the next 5 seasons and see the entire premise of the show in 1 minute and 9 seconds of the best opening intro to any tv show in history. I throw down this gauntlet jauntily; my Hulk will beat your anything. We speed with impending doom and impetus through a scientific lab full of impressive high tech equipment (shut up) straight to a thunderstorm and the most impressive televisual technique of the time: Bill Bixby’s shocking transformation into a HUGE green monster. I mean dude, COME ON. Any kid of the time who says that wasn’t the coolest thing they’d ever seen wasn’t the kind of kid I would have wanted to play in the park with. They were probably watching Blue Peter and collecting milk bottle tops. 

There are many things which make the transformation of Bill Bixby’s Dr David Banner so shocking that I vividly remember gasping and yelping throughout the pilot. The moment his eyes fly wide open and turn colourless, accompanied by a 12 piece orchestra to create the transformation sound effect to go with it, was so advanced and innovative for the time that it had a huge cultural impact. We immediately see the monster tearing off the tattered remains of his clothing (more of that later too, ahem) roaring his primeval “RAAAAAH” and embarking on a rampage of fiery and explosive destruction interspersed with flashes of lightning and are given the information that “The creature is driven by rage”.

We are also introduced, within the space of only a few seconds, to Jack McGee (played impeccably by the award-winning theatre actor Jack Colvin) who is an investigative reporter pursuing the Hulk. We only see Bill Bixby and Jack Colvin meet for a moment in the introduction but this particular moment is so iconic that it spawned a catchphrase for an entire generation and beyond “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”.  Now that’s a burn.

As we cut to a shot of Dr Banner at his own grave and find out that the “creature is wanted for a murder that he didn’t commit” that he must remain dead to the world, a rootless drifter, until he can find a cure and then end the intro with this stunning split screen shot of Dr Banner and the Hulk as he roars, you have not only the premise of the entire pilot laid out for you in one minute and 9 seconds of heartstopping action, but the basis of every episode for the rest of the next 5 seasons. Voila! Fucking incredible indeed, they should be teaching this stuff in Media Studies or something.

For the next few years of the kind of relatively happy and normal childhood that we all remember with such pleasant nostalgia because although a lot of things weren’t actually better back then, it’s true that a lot of things were, The Incredible Hulk remained at the very top of my must-watch list. It’s even how I got my nickname; when we played in the park I always wanted to play Hulk so I could shout “Raaaaah!” and practice going on rampages. I stopped short of tearing my shirt off though. Rampaging is excellent fun by the way, if there’s one thing I miss most about being a kid it’s running around as fast as I can pretending to be a 7ft tall big green monster and shouting “RAH RAH” at the top of my lungs. I think you all should go out and try it sometime.

The icing on every cake of every episode was the end credits (they used to show them in full back then). As each episode drew to its conclusion and David Banner walked or hitched away into the distance, the haunting piano theme The Lonely Man would begin.  This heartrendingly beautiful piece of music was written by Joe Harnell, who studied under the legendary Leonard Bernstein and it shows. If it wasn’t my childhood favourite, I would say it was wasted on a tv show. Even listening to it now, I find it such an achingly poignant melody that I want to hear every second of it’s 1:39

You have to remember that back then, this kind of stuff was not for girls. Playing tea parties and watching My Little Pony was for girls. Ugh. I had never seen a superhero apart from Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman (omigod I so wanted to be Wonder Woman) and Christopher Reeve’s Superman. Comic books weren’t and never have been on my radar; I’m sorry but if you want to read a story then read a story and if I want visuals then I want to watch them on a screen. It must be a boy thing but don’t bother @ing me because comics are not something I have the tiniest fuck to give about.

Anyway, I recently re-watched the entire 5 season run and realised several things that passed me by as a kid. It’s an absolutely brilliant re-watch by the way and my god did men look better in the 70s and 80s without the hideous rampantly untrimmed mingehair-looking beards they all seem to have now. Way to manfully resist the dictates of fashion there fellas, not like those silly females and their eyebrows, eh? I’m going to get a bit analytical here but I’ll try not to lie down on the couch and expose myself too much. The first is that what makes Bill Bixby’s transformation into a raging mindless beast so shocking is not just the brilliant effects I’ve described, but that such a sweet and gentle and kind man should have such a monster within himself. Chilling food for thought indeed. All very Freudian and the obvious doesn’t really need stating but it’s my blog and I’m going to do it anyway. The Hulk is the physical embodiment of Freud’s Id. Everyone has a monster somewhere within them; most of us strive our whole lives to contain it. Some enjoy allowing the monster to rule them; psychopaths. And some never even stop to consider whether they’re trying to contain their monster or not; we call these people sociopaths. Did Stan Lee create the Hulk as a Freudian allegory? I dunno, ask a hardcore nerd.

The second is that the reason that David Banner had so many romances was not just the convenient plot device that all such series must employ.  I’m going to do some possibly weird grown-up talk now so skip to the end if you’re easily embarrassed, there’s a great clip of the Hulk fighting a BEAR! If you’re still reading it’s this; Bill Bixby, god rest his sweet soul, was not only very talented but a damn fine looking man who wore very tight trousers and had quite the backside to fill them. I don’t care if you’re rolling around shrieking with laughter at this as one of my childhood friends did a few years ago, he WAS. This is where I’m going to get really embarrassing and may have to come back and edit if it’s too cringey.

Although I firmly believe that children of that age are and should be unaware of sexual attraction and all its implications, the same is not true of sexual orientation. I’ve heard from many friends that around that age is when they started to have the first unformed realisations that they were homosexual and I think the same is probably true for all orientations. All I knew back then was that I liked the look of this fella. And I had only ever felt that way as a child about Wonder Woman, Freddie Mercury, George Michael and Peter Davison from Doctor Who. Again, don’t @ me, I KNOW. Fuck off, I was 7. It’s not my fault that keeping everyone in the closet back then has made life very confusing for me.

On re-watching as an adult, something that never occurred to me as a child is that I had a huge crush on the Hulk too. God, how embarrassing. Bloody hell though, that guy is seriously RIPPED. You’re not telling me for one minute that all that ripping his shirt off and running around in frayed hotpants would have been so popular if he’d just been some massive tall bugger with a beer gut in green paint. I’m going to have to call on all the girls and gays to step up and back me on this. I’m a total muscle queen as well as liking the sensitive intellectual type and all my many other proclivities that I’m not prepared to discuss in greater detail. Arnold Schwarzenegger (or Big Arnie as he’s known between me and the cat, and who is another great favourite of mine) was narrowly beaten to the role by his bodybuilding pal Lou Ferrigno, who is a great deal taller.

Lou Ferrigno, this absolute mountain of chiselled and sculpted manhood, may not have had many lines except “RAAH” (apart from one brief guest appearance as a human) but he was integral to the success of the show. The sheer size of him imposed believability on every moment. And we even got to see him occasionally picking a flower or meeting a child and proving that even through green makeup and a fright wig he could portray the beast with some humanity.

I can’t believe I’ve rambled on for this long.  Please enjoy the 2:04 seconds of The Incredible Hulk’s finest moment in Hulk vs Bear x